i've been putting this song on repeat for about an hour now. though it's been on repeat in my head this whole weekend. i'm lucky it's so catchy because the words stick better in my head that way...i'm horrible with lyrics, especially my own. I'm just so sick of fighting. of learning, of struggling.
I'm so tired of looking for love...of being rejected.
I'm so drained of holding on....I was losing my grip...on my faith.
All the things that have happened to me in the period of a month...getting robbed, getting my heart broken again, feeling purposeless, faithless, meaningless, directionless, passionless, coming home to a dream beyond reality for two weeks then having to leave again, stressing about a buttload of exams upon my immediate return to Paris, one for which i was 1.5 hrs late, losing my phone on the way there, losing sleep from jetlag, losing my credit card...surviving/slightly enjoying the frozen Paris I returned to. Fighting jealousy, fighting my thoughts, fighting my heart, fighting my dreams...fighting fighting fighting...but never winning..... trying to be faithful...trying to see it in God's perspective...trying to smile...to fight fear...to have joy....to fight being alone...so i could be strong. I just can't anymore.
broken. i was just in tears and broken.
at one time it wasn't even an issue about wanting to go back to California...i just didn't have a point in living anymore, working, i still did life...but couldn't care less. then, it became just wanting to quit it all taking it as a sign that this wasn't cut out for me, or i wasn't cut out for this. i finally reached the point of numbness...just didn't care...stopped praying, reading my Bible...trusting...finding any morcel of faith left in me...searching for hope. just numb. let the world in, let this fight out.
gloves down. game over.
yet, here i am.
i know i can never go back to life without you.
i know it would feel fine for awhile, but i know there's more.
more, this joyous victory that comes with a daily fight.
for Truth... that there's a God in heaven that loves me...even if it's hard to believe.
that died for me...that wants me near to Him.
that wants to be a part of my everything...to refine it into gold. i don't know any other answers.
i mean i used to...i knew all the right answers.
i had so much faith. i was so filled with hope.
now, i'm all out.
but what i do know is...i can't do this alone.
life wasn't meant to be done alone, won alone.
It's no longer about me winning the fights, but about me realizing...for all the big and small things...
I can't do this alone. God, I'm doing this with you.
"cuz He's by my side, wherever I fall in the dead of night, whenever I call, and I won't fight these arms that are holding me, His arms are holding me." It's not about me being strong enough, faithful enough, hopeful, joyful, purposeful, capable enough.
It's about letting Him hold me...and taking each step with Him.
Allowing Him to carry me...
cuz the Truth is, I can't do this alone.
Like the lost little lamb that thought he was brave enough to run off by himself...
I think God's been trying to get my attention...ended up having to break my legs to take me on his shoulders tonight...
goodnight. | 
